david
Avid Muse
Posts: 182
|
Post by david on Dec 3, 2005 21:03:10 GMT -5
Emerald water
curled leaves float like fishing boats
goldfish sleep below.
|
|
daemona
Avid Muse
Life is full of hidden secrets
Posts: 216
|
Post by daemona on Dec 6, 2005 14:16:11 GMT -5
now when i saw this one i thought never on earth has the middle stanza the *correct* number of syllables...but amazingly it is...i´m amazed...
but it´s not the only thing that amazes...such a beautiful haiku...if it wasn´t so damn cold i would get on the balcony and watch the fishes below now :-)
|
|
|
|
Post by Elle Rush on Dec 8, 2005 11:32:55 GMT -5
Lovely and imaginative, david!
|
|
|
|
Post by Ken Corbett on Dec 20, 2005 17:12:43 GMT -5
Very true to the Japanese spirit of haiku, such a clear picture of peace. A garden in which I would like to sit.
|
|
david
Avid Muse
Posts: 182
|
Post by david on Dec 20, 2005 17:31:29 GMT -5
Let me ask you guys a question...
does it work better if you switch the wording in the second line to "curled leaves float like fishing boats" instead of "curled leaves, like fishing boats, float"?
d
|
|
|
|
Post by Ken Corbett on Dec 20, 2005 20:37:17 GMT -5
Yes, it's more natural. This way, you drop the commas too. They prompt a stutter, which is too much for such a short form.
Let me know which way you choose. I want to nominate this for the next newsletter.
Ken
|
|
david
Avid Muse
Posts: 182
|
Post by david on Dec 21, 2005 14:02:10 GMT -5
I think you're right about that, Ken...I"m changing it. Thanks for the input. I'm also liked the idea of "Station Street" for that free verse piece. Thanks again!  |
|
