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Post by RamirezGhost on Mar 27, 2003 15:47:47 GMT -5
Dawn widens in the street rows, stops
my purring chest heave with
replenished colors.
I breathe to the pulse of rising sheets,
sleep moistened arms; the body beside
me welcomes the window’s confession
and for hours after
I will remember
nothing at all.
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Post by Elle Rush on Mar 27, 2003 16:48:24 GMT -5
Inviting, romantic read. Enjoyed much! A couple of things... is that heaves or heaving in the 2nd line? Maybe I am reading it wrong.. and also sleep in moistened arms? Sometimes when I am writing, and I am thinking the words, it's like I forget to type them.. I do it all the time. Like I think that just becuz I thought it, it's there, and that is how I read it.. even tho I forgot a word or something. This is beautiful writing, tho- no doubt about that!! SOOOoo romantic. I like the visual that accompanies that does something for me!  |
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Post by ItalyAngel on Mar 28, 2003 17:35:39 GMT -5
A picture painted perfect with words! Thanks for sharing.
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Post by TygerLily on Apr 8, 2003 13:39:38 GMT -5
spelling binding exquisite read.
well done.
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Post by Ken Corbett on Jun 23, 2003 14:49:45 GMT -5
"my purring chest heave with
replenished colors.
"
No, too many conflicting images, it just leaves a swirly goulash where a plate of nicely arranged morsels might have tempted me. Purring suggests a cat, heave suggests anything but purring, and how does one replenish colors? Sleep moistened arms??? Sorry, but I crave elegance through harmony and simplicity, runamok imagery just confuses me.
Ramirez, come again, but next time, link your images more concisely and congruently. I know your work, I know you usually do it.
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